A WOMAN'S THOUGHTS CONCERNING THE ISSUE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS!!!
MISSION STATEMENT
" A WOMAN'S THOUGHTS ", sole purpose is to address the social issue of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ~ BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. There are many Domestic Violence Survivors who are left with physical, as well as, mental scarring from the attacks by the ones we loved. Many are afraid to talk about it from fear of retaliation, ridicule or judgment. This is Domestic Terrorism at it's best. We are the victims of Domestic Violence, casaulties in the war of Domestic Terrorism. We are More than an article in the paper, an court docket no., an human punching bag, something to be ignored. We have not been victimized on the streets; but in our own homes. WE WANT JUSTICE, not only for us; but for our children as well as the countless women and children that have died due to these calculated acts of violence from our husbands, lovers and fathers. We are telling our stories, so the images can be burned into the minds and hearts of those which will step up and out for the cause to end "DOMESTIC VIOLENCE." Many call us weak, but, put into the same situation, I doubt their reactions to the violence will differ. Therefore this theory is null and void. Like many soldiers we are maneuvering behind enemy lines while others sleep in the comforts of their homes and not care from being misinformed about our blight! Many of us are broken and once broken as with anything else; we are not the same. Our creed for Change-A Woman's Thoughts is: "NEVER WEAK; BUT BROKEN!!" Domestic violence in a family is an never ending cycle that will affect future generations for many years to come. The laws and penalties for these calculated acts of violence are not severe enough to be taken seriously from this Narcissistic Army of men. Once a witness, now an abuser, is the call of many children who witness the brutality of their mother's abuse. Band-aids are applied to their morbid mental wounds and they are sent away to move forward with their lives and began the same cycle of abuse in their own families. This madness has to stop!! There needs to be more effort concerning this cause and we hope through our poetry and stories to tirelessly send the message of despair from those afflicted. To give voices to the otherwise silent so they will be heard and responded. Our mission is to bring about the needed changes to STOP THE VIOLENCE AGAINST INNOCENT LIVES~UNDER THE DISGUISE OF FAMILY, FATHER, AND PROTECTOR!!!
It's time to remove the veil of deceit and reveal the hardcore, dirty dark secrets of the ones that hide themselves behind it. IT'S TIME TO STOP THE MADNESS....
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
WALK AWAY FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (IT'S NOT LOVE)
Being consistently beaten causes morbid thinking for many women of abuse. Their reasoning concerning leaving an abusive man is :" He doesn't mean to hurt me, He loves me, I love him, My children love him, We can work it out, I just make him so angry." Being an Domestic Abuse Survivor, these are the very statements which came from me as well as many other women whom have found themselves in this very overwhelming situation. For some reason we blame ourselves for his anger. His hurt and his pain. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT!! The fault lies with him and his agressive nature and he needs help and unless he desires to be helped, he will not change. Sometimes, it's just too late for many of them; because, this type of behavior has become their drug of choice, their way of life and they love the high they get from it. We as women and mothers need to make the choice of change for ourselves and our children and leave the deadly situation. Just think about it; It's 9:02 AM, I'm sitting at the computer, you may be having coffee and someone else is at their job. A woman is being beaten within inches of her life, RIGHT NOW!!! It's a cold reality, but it's an reality lived by many women and children where they should be safe....inside their homes. It's an attack that can come in the middle of the night while she sleeps. February 2011, a young woman went to bed while she slept next to her boyfriend (abuser) he shot her in the back of the head. He killed himself the following day. Imagine a child being taken from his bed and driven to the woods just to dig his mother's grave while his siblings watch in horror at gunpoint! No child should have to suffer through this! No women should have to suffer through being beaten within inches of their lives or be murdered while they sleep. This is an hopeless case happening right here in America. The Home of free and the land of the brave. An social issue that has been swept under the wrong for far too long. Where are the military for these families? This is DOMESTIC TERRORISM! Lives are being lost or ruined simply because this is an issue no one wants to acknowledge. Simply because this issue walks a precarious line. Sure there are programs in place; but are they enough? NO! Not nearly enough! When we make it possible to eradicate these home grown terrorists and this type of domestic terrorism then we will send a clear message: NO MORE! Our problem in this country is our need to fight fairly, even in the times of war. In the military it's called "Rules Of Engagement" otherwise known as "ROE." What we are failing to see is these men (abusers) do not fight fairly. This is no common domestic disturbance which is only being verbally displayed between a couple. This is brutal violence in which these men use brute and most often deadly force to terrorize their own families. I find this unforgiveable and cowardly. If the Military of the United States Of America are instructed not to strike where women and children are known to be. Why? are abusers only given a slap on the wrist, free room and board or nothing at all when it comes to the innocent lives of American women and children! Something is very wrong with this state of affairs. Very, very wrong!
Under current United States law set forth in the UNITED STATES PATRIOT ACT, acts of terrorism are those which: "(A) involve acts dangerous to human life that are an violation of the criminal laws of the UNITED STATES and any State thereof; (B) appear to be intended. (i) to intimidate or coerce a civilian population; (ii) to influence a policy of government by intimidation or coercion; or (iii) to effect the conduct of government by mass destruction, assasination or kidnapping; and (C) occur primarily in the territorial jurisdiction of the UNITED STATES.
The legal terminology for Domestic Terrorism is as stated: terrorism practiced in your own country against your own people; Related words: act of terrorism, terrorism, terrorist act: the calculated use of violence (or the threat of violence) against civilians in order to obtain goals that are political or religious or ideological in nature; this is done through itimidation or coercion or instilling fear.
My analogy: An father is the (ruler) is in his domain/home in any country and practices terrorism against his own people (family) in the territory of the United States. WHY is his act of calculated violence against one or more persons in his household; his family not considered or listed as an act of Domestic Terrorism and treated as such? WHY are abusers NOT LISTED as a TERRORIST GROUP under the United States Patriot Act?
ie; Domain- An area of territory owned or controlled by an ruler or government. ie; (A) home...owned, rented or leased (B) ruler (head of household) (c) government (both parents) (D) civilians (children)!!
No matter how I slice this cake; I'm coming up with fudge. It's no secret women has always been the victims of discrimination throughout the world and domestic abuse has been around since the cave men. It's an in your face issue; but people refuse to look it dead in the eye. We are citizens of the greatest, largest and most powerful country in the world. Why are we sitting back and sucking it up. I do not get it! Like men we take care of our families. We are voters! We are electing officials that are not protecting our rights but are instead quietly discriminating against our causes in the Halls Of Congress! Women we must take responsibility for "our" causes, because they begin and end with us. Whatever effects us (postive or negative) affects our children. We are not proactive nor passionate enough too keep these issues in the forefront of people's minds therefore, it's easy for our elected officials/politicians too sweep them under the rug once the campaigns are over and the elections have been won!
A war has been declared on us by these militant men and we are too gullible to recognize what's right in front of us. OUR ENEMIES!
Let's not confuse decent non-violent men for these scumbs of the earth! Honest mistakes are a given, I have been down the road of shame a time or two myself; but, my gut instincts warned me each time about these men and I failed to adhere to their warnings which could have cost me my life as well as the lives of my children. Are we lucky to be alive? YES! But, I see the scars everyday that serve as a reminder how close I came to losing my life. My now grown children are battling everyday for normalcy; not to let their pent up rages or people phobia get the better of them from the images that haunt them. We all find it hard to trust anyone outside our family circle. We as women have an innate ability to recognize BS when we smell it, danger when it's near and true love when it's real. The one we need to rid ourselves of is the one that loves these men beyond the hurt. Replace it, with the love of yourself! The love of your children! This can no longer be acceptable behavior!!!
It's this type of morbid love that has set us up for many falls and has hand delivered us to our killers and our children's killers. It's time we step outside of ourselves and deal with reality. I have grown up around abusers (Domestic Terrorists) all my life and has experienced abuse first hand. I have studied their characteristics and patterns and have profiled these abusers successfully since removing my rose colored glasses. These men are very calculating and mimic the characteristics of good men to fool you into what I have dubbed as the SET-UP.
DISCLAIMER: I, PLJA, otherwise known as the entity ~Paedams is in no way implying that I am in any way an professional concerning the social issue of domestic violence, etc. nor mental illness and confirm that the above and below description has not been found to be an reliable source of information concerning the matter of Domestic Terrorism, Domestic Violence, Domestic Terrorists, Terrorists Acts, Abusers, Abuser Profiler or so forth. Although, my information is based on some research online, I will not confirm nor deny it's legitimacy. Therefore, I accept no liability for the content of this page or the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of the information provided, unless that information is subsequently confirmed in writing. This information is mainly derived from my personal experiences with domestic violence and those of others I have known and therefore null and void as a basis to act upon. It's purpose is to help women observe and be counted among the many victims of calculated violence in this nation. Therefore, you are notified that distributing, copying, e-mailing, sharing of any kind or taking any action of reliance of any contents of this information is strictly prohibited on this page. ~Paedams
With this being expressed. Pay close attention to the Rules Of Engagement of abusers as I have observed otherwise known as the SET-UP:
Introduction: When you meet an abuser he's very charming. People can't say enough great things about him. He could be the musician for the church, the preacher in the pulpit, an human rights activist, an single father, etc.,etc.. Need I say more? Most hold themselves in high regards and are seen throughout their community as leaders. Most are successful, well mannered and protective while among society. Their employees and co-workers sees them as being seemingly well rounded individuals. They could not imagine him being a monster with his dark secrets hidden deeply within the darkness of his heart.
STAGE ONE- "THE CHARMER"
Like decent non-violent men, abusers can come off as very charming. The distinct marker with them however is, they are too charming. Too good to be true! Unlike real men they are too willing to share their sob stories and tell of their pain with the other women in their lives. Regardless of their economic standpoint they will use whatever tools are at their disposal to woo you. They will charm you with nights on the town, jewelry, vacations, cars, homes, money, shopping sprees, candlelight dinners, hire you an maid, run you hot bubble baths, clean your house, iron your clothes and cook your dinners, take up with your children and play the father role in which they know is is very much needed in single mother homes. This is when you need to know the real from the fake. BEWARE...They express their hatred for women under the guise of hurt; "she cheated on me; or my mother doesn't love me."
I have yet to find it to be untrue when a man says this; he is secretly holding resentment towards these women and is going to make you pay for these women so called mistakes. In many instances if the woman did or did cheat, it was simply because a real man came along and rescued her from her situation. Something very rare these days. In other words, she escaped his abuse and is now protected by an real man. By hook or by crook, she got out and this is the one thing that drives them crazier, is a woman getting away, they will make sure the next woman will not or she leaves with detrimental scarring that will effect her for the rest of her life. Even in rare circumstances, if it means killing one or more her children or favorite family member; if not her. Oh yes, abusers are the faces of EVIL. Combined they are satan at his best. This is why I call them his soldiers. Afterall, they do despise what is good (women and children) in this God forsaken world and make it their mission to destroy it by any means necessary. I liken their characteristics to vampires, unless a woman invites him inside of her life, her heart and mind; he cannot gain control. He must have you mind, body and soul otherwise he will have no power. So please keep this in mine when entertaining strangers who claim they want to be the man in your life/husband.
STAGE TWO - " THE ALIENATION "
Once the abuser begins to melt you down with his charm, his next move will be to alienate you from anyone who cares about you; including, family. This is what I called his intel gathering stage. Whatever information that is passed on to him from your friends or family; he will pass on to you, but tainted with embellishments to trick you into altercations with your loved ones. Once he has the wheels of deception turning he will then create this world where only you and he can exist. A world filled passionate love making (whip appeal), laughter and joy. In this world he gets into your head and finds out your insecurities, weaknesses and dirty secrets. Anything to win your trust, even, making himself seem sensitive by watching your favorite movies (chick flicks) with you.
Once you are dizzy from the effects of the whip appeal; you begin to feel brand new. You no longer have an care in the world you once lived. This new world he has presented, seems to make for better living; stress free. NOT! This is when he really begins to turn the wheels of discord between you and your family and friends. He convinces you that he's the only one on your side. The only one that truly loves and understand you. He manipulates you into severing all the ties to your former world and before you know it, HE STRIKES!
STAGE THREEE- "THE TAKING OF YOUR SPIRIT"
After a small length of time has passed after you severing your ties with your family and friends, the demeanor of your abuser transforms from loving and caring to distant and evil! He begins to find other interests that will keep him away from you for long lengths of time. This is when the SET-UP begins to take form, because you are now in a vulnerable state. Since you no longer have anyone to communicate with other than him and he's gone most of the time so you are lonely. When he does spend time at home; he pushes you away (1st stage of mental abuse). During this time he will do everything possible to bring you to an agitated state by manipulating your already fragile psyche. He knows you are lonely and missing the love and affection he once gave. Once the complacency of your loneliness hits, then comes the rage. Once the rage builds you become irrational! BIG MISTAKE! Unbeknownst to you, this is exactly what he's been waiting for. This is the invite to his "Coming Out" party! This is his excuse to bring you harm. However, at this stage his last concern is to bring you bodily harm. He wants your spirit! WHY?! He's the spawn of satan and the only way he can achieve your spirit is through your mind. His mission is to take any glimmer of light that is left in your world. He will not be satisfied unless he submerges you into complete darkness. Because in darkness he knows you will no longer possess hope. Once he has brought you to the brink of madness this is where the point of confrontations begin and you speak out just too keep your brain and heart from bursting. This is when he will tell you how he truly feels about you and your relationship with him. His face takes on another character, his eyes are no longer filled with light; only darkness. His smiles turns into a sneer. He taunts you with all your insecurities and failures. He holds over your head your dirty secrets; secrets you do not want reveal to the world. He's become your potential tabloid, worst enemy and nightmare. You cannot believe he's treating you this way or saying these things to you! You cannot believe the look of contempt on his face; the disdain in his voice. With each word he's slowly killing your spirit. When he's done you are so emotionally drained that you cannot shed a tear. All you can do is look in bewilderment. You cannot speak and then he hits you with I cannot stand your stupid ass, B-I-T-C-H!!! All you can feel is your heart crumbling into tiny pieces inside of your chest. You feel weak in your knees and as in some epic movie, you fall down to your knees and beg for him to have mercy. The devil has no mercy! Mercy is an Christian grace; being of God! Therefore, you're assed out. LOVE TKO! Once you sit in silence you begin to wonder, if he had ever loved you. You ask yourself, what did you do to make him feel this way? Along with all the other crap set free inside your scattered brain, the thought to regain his love is released. Don't blame yourself, it's just an side effect from the verbal abuse you just received. Our natural instinct to make things right. I still cringe when I think about that very moment for me. Anyway, you begin your quest to "Recapture his heart."
STAGE FOUR- " LET'S GETTING TO RUMBLE"
In this stage you are all over the map. You don't know which way is up, who done or what for. You are the shell of the person you once was. You are in an zombie state. You're defenseless and this is just where he wants you. Alone! Since you no longer have family and friends; all you are left with is him. At this point you are basically just going along with the motion and feeling remorse from severing ties with your family. Now your panic mode is finally rising and you cannot afford to have your family and friends telling you "I told you so's" and being the joke of the town. So, you are doing whatever it takes to keep him around. This is twisted thinking and one of the main tools abusers use to make you become vulnerable to the SET-UP. He wants you to blame yourself for him not being happy. Meanwhile, he's laughing behind your back. No matter how you try to please him; it's to no avail. IT'S A GAME! He's now in your head telling you, no one wants you and you are worthless. His next move will be, to bring another woman into the picture. Once he does this the fires of your rage began to rise further. Oblivious and blinded by his charm, the new woman lets him manipulate her into torturing you. Now once this commences, you are ready to rumble. He's openly making an fool out of you. Your family and friends are seeing him around town with her and wouldn't you know it; laughing about the whole situation. Remember, this is stinking thinking. It's your imagination, if anything they are infuriated. You are pissed to no degree; he has no right to treat you this way. What kind of fool does he think you are?! How dare he disrespect you and not appreciate your love! HOW DARE HE! Very easily; remember, he's the devil. Once you begin going back and forth with the new woman, your defenses will become obsolete. Your depression and rage will take hold and without warning, HE HITS YOU!
STAGE FIVE - " HE HITS YOU "
Under his influence the other woman calls you at home one day. You pick up the phone and say, Hello. She's say Hi, I just called to say she loves your bedroom and how the sheets felt so good against her body and if it was not enough, she asks for the thread count??? You forgot on one of your lonely nights, you went to your parents thinking he wasn't coming home. BIG MISTAKE! Now you can feel the sensation of heat radiating from your head to your toes. You feel you are about to pass out; but hell to the no, you have business to handle! You must distribute your two for one specials from the house of kick ass.
You slam down the phone while she's still talking and figure out what your next move will be. Should you call him, make a bee line to where you think he may be or should you just sit and wait for him to come home? Which ever way, would not be soon enough to get in your presence. Once he arrives in your sights, you immediately begin your scream fest about the phone call from her. You are in his face and screaming obscenities and all he does is smile and tell you to back down. This infuriates you more and you put your finger in his face and press downward and hold it there while telling him how no good he is. Without warning, a right hook to the temple! You never saw it coming! Your first reaction is shock followed by pain. He goes crazy and beats you like you stole something. This was your introduction to his viciousness. From this point forward; any and everything will be his reason to beat you. The beatings will not stop; unless, you leave him or something much worse happens.
CONCLUSION: Now do you understand the process?
(1) CHARM YOU
(2) ALIENATE YOU
(3) BREAK YOU DOWN
(4) MANIPULATE YOU INTO RAGE
(5) BEGINS BEATING YOU
It's the method of mad men! A situation by design. With each stage, he convinces you that the breakdown of your relationship with him is your fault. By the time the beatings begin you are convinced you brought the whole nightmare on yourself and he has every right to be a monster; to put his hands on you. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! He's an abusive ass, the spawn of satan and has been since the very first day of your meeting! He has left an countless trail of victims. You were not his first and definitely will not be his last. He has manipulated you in to thinking is about something; but, he has always been about nothing! WALK OR RUN AWAY; BUT DO NOT LOOK BACK!! I learned early in life about domestic violence and how deadly it can be. My aunt was killed by her husband and the father of her children. She loved this man dearly. Words cannot express the sorrow this brought into my life. The bitterness for the words "I Love You" coming from a man's mouth to me or the intense sense of rage that overcomes me at times. It changed me forever. The potential inside of me died when my aunt was murdered. Bottom line, many women do not have the confidence to walk away from domestic abuse. Her hope has beaten out of her and her self-esteem is non existent. She's basically the walking dead. Women of abuse feel so alone and need to know someone cares. They need to know there is a way out. I could not save my aunt; but in her memory, if I can reach out to at least one woman, that would relieve some of the guilt I carry for not being there. Not getting the chance to say, "I love you" one more time. To help a woman like her that felt she had no way out nor anyone to turn to. I want to be her hope and her inspiration. I want to make her laugh and feel something stir within her soul enough to survive. Don't give up! Walk away to live to see another day. Live!!!!
~Paedams
It's time to remove the veil of deceit and reveal the hardcore, dirty dark secrets of the ones that hide themselves behind it. IT'S TIME TO STOP THE MADNESS....
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
WALK AWAY FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (IT'S NOT LOVE)
Being consistently beaten causes morbid thinking for many women of abuse. Their reasoning concerning leaving an abusive man is :" He doesn't mean to hurt me, He loves me, I love him, My children love him, We can work it out, I just make him so angry." Being an Domestic Abuse Survivor, these are the very statements which came from me as well as many other women whom have found themselves in this very overwhelming situation. For some reason we blame ourselves for his anger. His hurt and his pain. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT!! The fault lies with him and his agressive nature and he needs help and unless he desires to be helped, he will not change. Sometimes, it's just too late for many of them; because, this type of behavior has become their drug of choice, their way of life and they love the high they get from it. We as women and mothers need to make the choice of change for ourselves and our children and leave the deadly situation. Just think about it; It's 9:02 AM, I'm sitting at the computer, you may be having coffee and someone else is at their job. A woman is being beaten within inches of her life, RIGHT NOW!!! It's a cold reality, but it's an reality lived by many women and children where they should be safe....inside their homes. It's an attack that can come in the middle of the night while she sleeps. February 2011, a young woman went to bed while she slept next to her boyfriend (abuser) he shot her in the back of the head. He killed himself the following day. Imagine a child being taken from his bed and driven to the woods just to dig his mother's grave while his siblings watch in horror at gunpoint! No child should have to suffer through this! No women should have to suffer through being beaten within inches of their lives or be murdered while they sleep. This is an hopeless case happening right here in America. The Home of free and the land of the brave. An social issue that has been swept under the wrong for far too long. Where are the military for these families? This is DOMESTIC TERRORISM! Lives are being lost or ruined simply because this is an issue no one wants to acknowledge. Simply because this issue walks a precarious line. Sure there are programs in place; but are they enough? NO! Not nearly enough! When we make it possible to eradicate these home grown terrorists and this type of domestic terrorism then we will send a clear message: NO MORE! Our problem in this country is our need to fight fairly, even in the times of war. In the military it's called "Rules Of Engagement" otherwise known as "ROE." What we are failing to see is these men (abusers) do not fight fairly. This is no common domestic disturbance which is only being verbally displayed between a couple. This is brutal violence in which these men use brute and most often deadly force to terrorize their own families. I find this unforgiveable and cowardly. If the Military of the United States Of America are instructed not to strike where women and children are known to be. Why? are abusers only given a slap on the wrist, free room and board or nothing at all when it comes to the innocent lives of American women and children! Something is very wrong with this state of affairs. Very, very wrong!
Under current United States law set forth in the UNITED STATES PATRIOT ACT, acts of terrorism are those which: "(A) involve acts dangerous to human life that are an violation of the criminal laws of the UNITED STATES and any State thereof; (B) appear to be intended. (i) to intimidate or coerce a civilian population; (ii) to influence a policy of government by intimidation or coercion; or (iii) to effect the conduct of government by mass destruction, assasination or kidnapping; and (C) occur primarily in the territorial jurisdiction of the UNITED STATES.
The legal terminology for Domestic Terrorism is as stated: terrorism practiced in your own country against your own people; Related words: act of terrorism, terrorism, terrorist act: the calculated use of violence (or the threat of violence) against civilians in order to obtain goals that are political or religious or ideological in nature; this is done through itimidation or coercion or instilling fear.
My analogy: An father is the (ruler) is in his domain/home in any country and practices terrorism against his own people (family) in the territory of the United States. WHY is his act of calculated violence against one or more persons in his household; his family not considered or listed as an act of Domestic Terrorism and treated as such? WHY are abusers NOT LISTED as a TERRORIST GROUP under the United States Patriot Act?
ie; Domain- An area of territory owned or controlled by an ruler or government. ie; (A) home...owned, rented or leased (B) ruler (head of household) (c) government (both parents) (D) civilians (children)!!
No matter how I slice this cake; I'm coming up with fudge. It's no secret women has always been the victims of discrimination throughout the world and domestic abuse has been around since the cave men. It's an in your face issue; but people refuse to look it dead in the eye. We are citizens of the greatest, largest and most powerful country in the world. Why are we sitting back and sucking it up. I do not get it! Like men we take care of our families. We are voters! We are electing officials that are not protecting our rights but are instead quietly discriminating against our causes in the Halls Of Congress! Women we must take responsibility for "our" causes, because they begin and end with us. Whatever effects us (postive or negative) affects our children. We are not proactive nor passionate enough too keep these issues in the forefront of people's minds therefore, it's easy for our elected officials/politicians too sweep them under the rug once the campaigns are over and the elections have been won!
A war has been declared on us by these militant men and we are too gullible to recognize what's right in front of us. OUR ENEMIES!
Let's not confuse decent non-violent men for these scumbs of the earth! Honest mistakes are a given, I have been down the road of shame a time or two myself; but, my gut instincts warned me each time about these men and I failed to adhere to their warnings which could have cost me my life as well as the lives of my children. Are we lucky to be alive? YES! But, I see the scars everyday that serve as a reminder how close I came to losing my life. My now grown children are battling everyday for normalcy; not to let their pent up rages or people phobia get the better of them from the images that haunt them. We all find it hard to trust anyone outside our family circle. We as women have an innate ability to recognize BS when we smell it, danger when it's near and true love when it's real. The one we need to rid ourselves of is the one that loves these men beyond the hurt. Replace it, with the love of yourself! The love of your children! This can no longer be acceptable behavior!!!
It's this type of morbid love that has set us up for many falls and has hand delivered us to our killers and our children's killers. It's time we step outside of ourselves and deal with reality. I have grown up around abusers (Domestic Terrorists) all my life and has experienced abuse first hand. I have studied their characteristics and patterns and have profiled these abusers successfully since removing my rose colored glasses. These men are very calculating and mimic the characteristics of good men to fool you into what I have dubbed as the SET-UP.
DISCLAIMER: I, PLJA, otherwise known as the entity ~Paedams is in no way implying that I am in any way an professional concerning the social issue of domestic violence, etc. nor mental illness and confirm that the above and below description has not been found to be an reliable source of information concerning the matter of Domestic Terrorism, Domestic Violence, Domestic Terrorists, Terrorists Acts, Abusers, Abuser Profiler or so forth. Although, my information is based on some research online, I will not confirm nor deny it's legitimacy. Therefore, I accept no liability for the content of this page or the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of the information provided, unless that information is subsequently confirmed in writing. This information is mainly derived from my personal experiences with domestic violence and those of others I have known and therefore null and void as a basis to act upon. It's purpose is to help women observe and be counted among the many victims of calculated violence in this nation. Therefore, you are notified that distributing, copying, e-mailing, sharing of any kind or taking any action of reliance of any contents of this information is strictly prohibited on this page. ~Paedams
With this being expressed. Pay close attention to the Rules Of Engagement of abusers as I have observed otherwise known as the SET-UP:
Introduction: When you meet an abuser he's very charming. People can't say enough great things about him. He could be the musician for the church, the preacher in the pulpit, an human rights activist, an single father, etc.,etc.. Need I say more? Most hold themselves in high regards and are seen throughout their community as leaders. Most are successful, well mannered and protective while among society. Their employees and co-workers sees them as being seemingly well rounded individuals. They could not imagine him being a monster with his dark secrets hidden deeply within the darkness of his heart.
STAGE ONE- "THE CHARMER"
Like decent non-violent men, abusers can come off as very charming. The distinct marker with them however is, they are too charming. Too good to be true! Unlike real men they are too willing to share their sob stories and tell of their pain with the other women in their lives. Regardless of their economic standpoint they will use whatever tools are at their disposal to woo you. They will charm you with nights on the town, jewelry, vacations, cars, homes, money, shopping sprees, candlelight dinners, hire you an maid, run you hot bubble baths, clean your house, iron your clothes and cook your dinners, take up with your children and play the father role in which they know is is very much needed in single mother homes. This is when you need to know the real from the fake. BEWARE...They express their hatred for women under the guise of hurt; "she cheated on me; or my mother doesn't love me."
I have yet to find it to be untrue when a man says this; he is secretly holding resentment towards these women and is going to make you pay for these women so called mistakes. In many instances if the woman did or did cheat, it was simply because a real man came along and rescued her from her situation. Something very rare these days. In other words, she escaped his abuse and is now protected by an real man. By hook or by crook, she got out and this is the one thing that drives them crazier, is a woman getting away, they will make sure the next woman will not or she leaves with detrimental scarring that will effect her for the rest of her life. Even in rare circumstances, if it means killing one or more her children or favorite family member; if not her. Oh yes, abusers are the faces of EVIL. Combined they are satan at his best. This is why I call them his soldiers. Afterall, they do despise what is good (women and children) in this God forsaken world and make it their mission to destroy it by any means necessary. I liken their characteristics to vampires, unless a woman invites him inside of her life, her heart and mind; he cannot gain control. He must have you mind, body and soul otherwise he will have no power. So please keep this in mine when entertaining strangers who claim they want to be the man in your life/husband.
STAGE TWO - " THE ALIENATION "
Once the abuser begins to melt you down with his charm, his next move will be to alienate you from anyone who cares about you; including, family. This is what I called his intel gathering stage. Whatever information that is passed on to him from your friends or family; he will pass on to you, but tainted with embellishments to trick you into altercations with your loved ones. Once he has the wheels of deception turning he will then create this world where only you and he can exist. A world filled passionate love making (whip appeal), laughter and joy. In this world he gets into your head and finds out your insecurities, weaknesses and dirty secrets. Anything to win your trust, even, making himself seem sensitive by watching your favorite movies (chick flicks) with you.
Once you are dizzy from the effects of the whip appeal; you begin to feel brand new. You no longer have an care in the world you once lived. This new world he has presented, seems to make for better living; stress free. NOT! This is when he really begins to turn the wheels of discord between you and your family and friends. He convinces you that he's the only one on your side. The only one that truly loves and understand you. He manipulates you into severing all the ties to your former world and before you know it, HE STRIKES!
STAGE THREEE- "THE TAKING OF YOUR SPIRIT"
After a small length of time has passed after you severing your ties with your family and friends, the demeanor of your abuser transforms from loving and caring to distant and evil! He begins to find other interests that will keep him away from you for long lengths of time. This is when the SET-UP begins to take form, because you are now in a vulnerable state. Since you no longer have anyone to communicate with other than him and he's gone most of the time so you are lonely. When he does spend time at home; he pushes you away (1st stage of mental abuse). During this time he will do everything possible to bring you to an agitated state by manipulating your already fragile psyche. He knows you are lonely and missing the love and affection he once gave. Once the complacency of your loneliness hits, then comes the rage. Once the rage builds you become irrational! BIG MISTAKE! Unbeknownst to you, this is exactly what he's been waiting for. This is the invite to his "Coming Out" party! This is his excuse to bring you harm. However, at this stage his last concern is to bring you bodily harm. He wants your spirit! WHY?! He's the spawn of satan and the only way he can achieve your spirit is through your mind. His mission is to take any glimmer of light that is left in your world. He will not be satisfied unless he submerges you into complete darkness. Because in darkness he knows you will no longer possess hope. Once he has brought you to the brink of madness this is where the point of confrontations begin and you speak out just too keep your brain and heart from bursting. This is when he will tell you how he truly feels about you and your relationship with him. His face takes on another character, his eyes are no longer filled with light; only darkness. His smiles turns into a sneer. He taunts you with all your insecurities and failures. He holds over your head your dirty secrets; secrets you do not want reveal to the world. He's become your potential tabloid, worst enemy and nightmare. You cannot believe he's treating you this way or saying these things to you! You cannot believe the look of contempt on his face; the disdain in his voice. With each word he's slowly killing your spirit. When he's done you are so emotionally drained that you cannot shed a tear. All you can do is look in bewilderment. You cannot speak and then he hits you with I cannot stand your stupid ass, B-I-T-C-H!!! All you can feel is your heart crumbling into tiny pieces inside of your chest. You feel weak in your knees and as in some epic movie, you fall down to your knees and beg for him to have mercy. The devil has no mercy! Mercy is an Christian grace; being of God! Therefore, you're assed out. LOVE TKO! Once you sit in silence you begin to wonder, if he had ever loved you. You ask yourself, what did you do to make him feel this way? Along with all the other crap set free inside your scattered brain, the thought to regain his love is released. Don't blame yourself, it's just an side effect from the verbal abuse you just received. Our natural instinct to make things right. I still cringe when I think about that very moment for me. Anyway, you begin your quest to "Recapture his heart."
STAGE FOUR- " LET'S GETTING TO RUMBLE"
In this stage you are all over the map. You don't know which way is up, who done or what for. You are the shell of the person you once was. You are in an zombie state. You're defenseless and this is just where he wants you. Alone! Since you no longer have family and friends; all you are left with is him. At this point you are basically just going along with the motion and feeling remorse from severing ties with your family. Now your panic mode is finally rising and you cannot afford to have your family and friends telling you "I told you so's" and being the joke of the town. So, you are doing whatever it takes to keep him around. This is twisted thinking and one of the main tools abusers use to make you become vulnerable to the SET-UP. He wants you to blame yourself for him not being happy. Meanwhile, he's laughing behind your back. No matter how you try to please him; it's to no avail. IT'S A GAME! He's now in your head telling you, no one wants you and you are worthless. His next move will be, to bring another woman into the picture. Once he does this the fires of your rage began to rise further. Oblivious and blinded by his charm, the new woman lets him manipulate her into torturing you. Now once this commences, you are ready to rumble. He's openly making an fool out of you. Your family and friends are seeing him around town with her and wouldn't you know it; laughing about the whole situation. Remember, this is stinking thinking. It's your imagination, if anything they are infuriated. You are pissed to no degree; he has no right to treat you this way. What kind of fool does he think you are?! How dare he disrespect you and not appreciate your love! HOW DARE HE! Very easily; remember, he's the devil. Once you begin going back and forth with the new woman, your defenses will become obsolete. Your depression and rage will take hold and without warning, HE HITS YOU!
STAGE FIVE - " HE HITS YOU "
Under his influence the other woman calls you at home one day. You pick up the phone and say, Hello. She's say Hi, I just called to say she loves your bedroom and how the sheets felt so good against her body and if it was not enough, she asks for the thread count??? You forgot on one of your lonely nights, you went to your parents thinking he wasn't coming home. BIG MISTAKE! Now you can feel the sensation of heat radiating from your head to your toes. You feel you are about to pass out; but hell to the no, you have business to handle! You must distribute your two for one specials from the house of kick ass.
You slam down the phone while she's still talking and figure out what your next move will be. Should you call him, make a bee line to where you think he may be or should you just sit and wait for him to come home? Which ever way, would not be soon enough to get in your presence. Once he arrives in your sights, you immediately begin your scream fest about the phone call from her. You are in his face and screaming obscenities and all he does is smile and tell you to back down. This infuriates you more and you put your finger in his face and press downward and hold it there while telling him how no good he is. Without warning, a right hook to the temple! You never saw it coming! Your first reaction is shock followed by pain. He goes crazy and beats you like you stole something. This was your introduction to his viciousness. From this point forward; any and everything will be his reason to beat you. The beatings will not stop; unless, you leave him or something much worse happens.
CONCLUSION: Now do you understand the process?
(1) CHARM YOU
(2) ALIENATE YOU
(3) BREAK YOU DOWN
(4) MANIPULATE YOU INTO RAGE
(5) BEGINS BEATING YOU
It's the method of mad men! A situation by design. With each stage, he convinces you that the breakdown of your relationship with him is your fault. By the time the beatings begin you are convinced you brought the whole nightmare on yourself and he has every right to be a monster; to put his hands on you. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! He's an abusive ass, the spawn of satan and has been since the very first day of your meeting! He has left an countless trail of victims. You were not his first and definitely will not be his last. He has manipulated you in to thinking is about something; but, he has always been about nothing! WALK OR RUN AWAY; BUT DO NOT LOOK BACK!! I learned early in life about domestic violence and how deadly it can be. My aunt was killed by her husband and the father of her children. She loved this man dearly. Words cannot express the sorrow this brought into my life. The bitterness for the words "I Love You" coming from a man's mouth to me or the intense sense of rage that overcomes me at times. It changed me forever. The potential inside of me died when my aunt was murdered. Bottom line, many women do not have the confidence to walk away from domestic abuse. Her hope has beaten out of her and her self-esteem is non existent. She's basically the walking dead. Women of abuse feel so alone and need to know someone cares. They need to know there is a way out. I could not save my aunt; but in her memory, if I can reach out to at least one woman, that would relieve some of the guilt I carry for not being there. Not getting the chance to say, "I love you" one more time. To help a woman like her that felt she had no way out nor anyone to turn to. I want to be her hope and her inspiration. I want to make her laugh and feel something stir within her soul enough to survive. Don't give up! Walk away to live to see another day. Live!!!!
~Paedams